Three missed calls, two minutes later, one voice message.
I sleep on your side of the bed / in hopes that you’ll remonstrate / endless nights in the cavity of the past / the sheets hollow out your shape.
hey sorry to bother you but can I ask you a question?
How did I ever live without the sound of your voice / there is evidence yet that you still exist hidden in my house / mind / âme.
only the brave
The deep calls the brave.
Wanderers besieged by existence. Mavericks crucified by convention. Lovers lost at sea.
Plunge beyond the ephemeral gold of the sun on the fickle ebb and flow. Dive into the darkness, let the cold surround your lungs, and leave behind, the glow.
Breathe in, let go. Embrace the deep.
There you will be found.
The darkness hovers above, suffocatingly heavy. Pressing down ominously, panic sets in as the weight becomes unbearable.
You would do anything to get / out / of desperation, you hack away with your insistence of righteousness.
It’s justified, you claim, because you suffered the ignominy of being hurt first. You foolishly lay blame at the feet of your oppressor, when the darkness is your own / doing / what you think is necessary to feel vindicated.
You created the mōnstrum, and then proceeded to slay it. Do not think for a moment that I would stand aside and allow it.
I shall become the darkness, and lay waste to your hope.
The young girl woke up to a hot, oppressive morning. It wasn’t a school day, so she could afford to laze about in bed for awhile with her favourite book. This was the one with drawings of unbelievable wonders. Crafts that fly across cities, boxes with magical moving pictures, lamps that require no fire or flame. They seemed so unreal. Breathtaking.
Closing her book, she saw no joy in the day ahead. It was enough of a struggle just to get out of bed.
The young boy woke up to a cold, dark morning. It wasn’t a work day, so he could afford to sneak open his favourite book in bed. This was the one with the pictures of the great forests. Tall green trees surrounded by animals, streams that go on and on, clear blue skies. They seemed so unreal. The boy could hardly believe in them, although his parents had assured him that such wonders once existed. Incredible.
Closing his book, he saw no joy in the day ahead. It was enough of a struggle just to stay alive.
Once, I got lost.
So I decided to plant a garden. And in this garden I built a home for you.
It was made of sand and stone and moss and water. I mixed them all in an empty clay basin and buried it beneath the earth.
Its walls await your laughter. The hallway, your mud stained boots. The kitchen sink is ready for your experiments, and the shelves long to be filled with adventures.
Fingerprints on the windows.
Half read books and cold coffee on the counter top.
Maps of unfulfilled trips scattered on the floor.
Once, I got lost.
So I got on a plane. And on this plane, I build a home for me.
I am Leigh’s teardrops.
I am her heartbreak.
I am her setbacks, her fears unfounded, her paralyzing guilt and utter remorse. I define her bourgeois existence and steal her nights.
I am the final precipice after all attempts. She is my Olivia, and like Malvolio, I am tormented. There is no surrogate, this is the crossroad; should I leap, or fall? Nary a difference, but in the heart’s inclination.
I am Leigh’s teardrops.
Yet she wishes me to smile.
I am control, sonorous and fervent.
I am also its evil twin chaos, conniving and deleterious.
Listen to my contradictory wisdom, for I am too complex to be contained within simple binary oppositions. You cannot say that I am right, or that I am wrong. And if you say I am neither, you are not merely mistaken once, but twice.
Hear my voice, the beguiling background noise that seduces you. You hesitate, but slowly you come. Because you know, that to possess both, control and chaos at the same moment, allows you to walk with the gods and steal their power. With a single word, you render them useless and unworthy.
I am control and chaos. I am the bellwether, ergo, I am the vanguard.
Steady my heart, stay the course. Understand the consequences of counting the moments by listening to the misery it creates.
You were perfection, kinda.
And layer by layer, one day at a time, you diminished your brilliance so I could look at you without hurting. Agonizing as it was, I soaked up everything that was you, immersing repeatedly in blinding white luminosity. Choking on the apotheosis of your essence, you were existence itself.
I became familiar with your guardians, desolation and torment. Pain was a friend. A familiar face.
But I never knew gone without goodbye.
I think it rained the day I died.
Surely, you must remember. You were there after all, a whisper, a shade. A shadow in the city. I miss the city, its outline entangled in an unbroken neon embrace. Mirrored shapes in puddle realities distorted by countless feet. Our reality.
We were never alive. We were always on the other side. Young, and chasing fiction with greedy tongues. Endless rainy days, just like this one. The day before.
water and bone
"I love the sound of water. It can be loud, but it’s never noisy," you whispered into my ear.
Nostalgia is a harsh mistress.
Evenings are funereal. When the sea swallows the sun and its water overflows, and shadows elongate to meet and congregate.
When strangers who wished they were lovers dance and sway, and when lovers who wished they were strangers unlock lips and peel away.
When musicians ignore agogic accents to play freely, and writers become poets; or are they one and the same? Perhaps musicians are poets too?
Such silly questions. Of course they are, but not all poets are writers.
Unless they agree to come to my funeral. Which will be held on a cold and stormy evening. Because that’s how most stories begin.
You write like a poet, but move like an earthquake.
That’s what he said on his last day.
Although I think that’s an unfair assessment of the last son of krypton.
But then again, he gave as good as he got."
Today, everyone gets a star.
Not a plastic shimmering yellow sticker that you paste in your book.
But a collapsing cloud of material composed primarily of hydrogen, along with helium and trace amounts of heavier elements.
A massive, luminous sphere of plasma held together by gravity.
Here, go ahead, take one. You can keep it in your pocket and take it out from time to time when you think of me."
The house has a new friend. It’s a lime green curtain.
The green that inspires singing in the shower.
The green that encourages the romantic fool.
The green that makes us all strive to do good.
The green that isn’t really green, but close enough."